NOTE: This blog is from my first blog that I wrote earlier this year after undergoing another operation. The operation was to have some painful nodules. The nodules were removed from the back of my skull and are a part of my condition with Neurofibromatosis.
From my last post earlier this year I wanted to talk more about having a disability and being openly gay.
The struggle is real! Thankfully, I am not confined to a wheelchair and I am able to walk using my own two legs that I was born with but there is still that sense that I don't fit in. don't fit the "stereotypical gay man" that everyone falls in love with, wants to take home and have their way with him. As Andrew Morrison-Gurza puts it in his post titled "How Does It Feel? The Question I Wish You’d Ask Me as a Queer Man With Disabilities" - "You worry that he’ll soon discover you “aren’t like the others,” and leave as a result of his homo-normative ideals that even he can’t understand. No matter how hard I try, my disability will not leave me. It will be by my side, as I lay beside you. I can’t become someone else who will meet the “gay hook up” checklist requirements that we all have in the back of our heads, because my disability won’t let me."
The fact is that although I am only 27 years, I worry about my future and I worry that I am going to grow old a lonely man. Will I meet a guy that will accept me for who I am and will want to be with me if I get another brain tumour or even worse be diagnosed with cancer again? What if my scoliosis takes a turn for the worst and I end up in a chair? Will he still want to be with me?
I keep asking myself is will I have a boyfriend? Will I have that partner in crime that I can have fun with and do awesome things with? Will I find someone that will want to spend many years with me?
It would be bloody nice just to be able to go out to dinner on a date and to get to know a guy. Have a date and see where it goes from there. To be able to take guy home and talk about random stuff for hours on end as we watch a movie and drink wine. Is that asking too much?
I have rarely dated. I have never had a boyfriend or romantic fling. In fact, nine times out of ten, I have always had to pay for sex and that takes a lot of guts to acknowledge. There has been no fun, no romancing. The thing that I would love the most is intimacy. It’s not necessarily about the sex but its more about the cuddling and that intimate connection that I would love. I haven't had sex since November 2014 and that is too long.
The last time I had sex was a very quick and not very satisfying. Sure I mean it was great to get my “rocks off” (do they still use that term?) with another guy but there was no connection there. I mean sure you aren't going to get a connection straight away but I think that there is more to sex then just the relief and immediate satisfaction that you get. But i just want more than that. My bed gets very cold during the long Melbourne winter.
I find it difficult to meet guys because I am not a partier. I don't drink a lot and I am in bed by midnight. I don't feel comfortable in the gay-scene because of all the twinks and muscle-buff guys that frequent these venues and I know that there are many other venues to be able to meet someone but across most of the scenes, the gym-toned body still applies.
When I download the so called "social media" (hook up) apps to my smartphone I get frustrated. I get annoyed that not many people respond to me. When they do and we aimlessly chat and then I ask if they would like to meet up for a coffee, I get rejected. They don't respond. I soon then after delete all the apps because no one responds. I just get frustrated.
My friends keep telling me that I will find that guy that will want to be with me but what if I don't? This is a lot to take in for someone who has already been diagnosed with a neurological disorder at birth, a cancerous brain tumour at the tender age of three years old, braces, scoliosis, bed ridden for three months to then return to school to find out that he has been outed by his best mate, followed by another tumour near his thyroid and then diagnosed with his second brain tumour at 23?
Why is it that in a minority we victimise and reject a minority within a minority? Shouldn't we accept all guys whether they have a muscle-chiseled body, whether they're six-foot or not? I know that I as one person cannot change the mentality of every gay man but by starting somewhere and writing about it maybe small changes can start somewhere.
What will it take to be accepted in the “gay community” when you do not look the way you are supposed to look? What are the solutions that we can adapt to accept that a person with a disability that identifies as same-sex attracted has the same sexual needs just like a able-bodied person?
I do hope that one day, just one day I find a guy that will accept me for who I am. That will not worry about what my future will hold. That will want to be with me because he loves me. He loves me as a person. After all, isn't it what's on the inside that counts?